An ode to the game Crusader Kings 2
For those dear readers who know not what I speak,
Crusader Kings 2 isn’t for the impatient or weak.
A game of strategy starting 1066 AD
The gameboard: Europe in all her feudal glory.
So pick your realm, be a duke or dictator,
and it’ll end 387 years later.
I knew I had bitten off more than I could chew
when, after 2 hours, I still had no clue what to do.
I then prepared my social life’s memorials
before watching hours of YouTube tutorials.
Learning of feudal politics and stretching my brain,
traits, taxation, how to pronounce the word “demesne.”
I started in Ireland, it’s the newb thing to do,
Petty King of Munster held not one county but two.
Keeping my vassals happy, pressing claims de jure…
I’ll be the King of Ireland one day for sure.
Screw you, summer, with your “sun” and crap,
I’ll stay inside for six hours and stare at a map!
I found myself saying things I’d thought I’d never,
like “My child died?!! Oh, just a daughter. Whatever.”
And “Yes! My son grew up full of guile and wit…
…wait a second… is he gay? Oh, shit.”
And the evil laugh when, searching for my Queen,
I scroll down to girls who just turned sixteen.
Sure now my brothers are full of joy and laughter,
but I’ve learned their evil comes generations after
when, searching my cousins, I realize too late:
my uncle had six sons with the “ambitious” trait.
Screw my siblings, I want all glory and riches…
From gavelkind to primogeniture, bitches!
I’m now King, with some extra money to spare—
(Godammit, Scotland, stay over there)—
Get my stewardship score up to “cash cow…”
Aw man, another crusade? Really? Right now?
Yeah yeah, I’ll go, light the war torch with a spark…
once I remember how to get my levies to embark.
I’m off crusading when my neighbors, the Highlands,
up and decide they deserve both of our islands!
They call in the English, and I disparage:
"Why did I give my sister to Scotland in marriage?"
Centuries of work, down goes my family name…
You know what? Screw this stupid freaking game!
May the creators of this game burn in hell for their sin…
wait, there’s a Game of Thrones mod? I’M BACK IN.
"Fear not, player, I come in peace and affinity…
also, I’m bringing you back your virginity.”