An Ode to Eureka’s Sheriff, Jack Carter
There’s a small town nestled in the northwest
and, though the life expectancy isn’t the best,
I wish I were smart enough to live there.
Not because of the fresh forest air,
or the population of scientists and nerds…
Oh dear, how can I really put this into words?
It’s the local police department, I dare say;
put me in some handcuffs and take me away.
Get me my inhaler, I’ll have an asthma attack
over Eureka’s own Sheriff, a man called Jack.
Former US Marshall turned local badass,
there’s some Sexy in today’s forecast.
Mmmm… sexy with a chance of wet dreams,
(I might be taking these rhymes to bad extremes…)
He came to town after making a wrong turn
making my eyebrows raise and my heart yearn.
Using his everyman logic, he solved a case
making Eureka his new permanent place.
He’s there whenever an experiment goes awry
walking through walls or floating into the sky.
Lemme do you a favor and solve this case fast
that victim caught a glimpse of your glorious ass.
Oh, those baby blues! Whenever I see ‘em,
I want them more than anything from Cafe Diem.
With your tight sheriff shirt and matching pants,
I’ll give you more than just a second glance.
So nevermind that chick, Allison Blake,
I’m a wheezing geek who’ll be your first mistake!
C’mon, what does this chick have more than me?
Other than great skin, amazing ‘brows, and a PhD?
I love you no matter what timeline you’re in,
Potential time paradoxes? Double win!
You’re sexy in the present and the past so far,
even when you’re buddy buddy with Gaius Baltar.
Even up at G.D., it’s your freakin’ face I cherish….
Though there is something about that Dr. Parrish…
My God, all the shits I would lose
if I were ever forced to choose…
Now, I’m not a jealous type who’ll cause a stir…
But that slut, S.A.R.A.H.? You’re always inside her.
I know now why you live underground, restrained…
It’s the only way your dreaminess is contained!
Airtight with concrete walls two feet wide…
Trust me, it’s impossible to tunnel your way inside.
Now, you may think I’m a basket case,
but how do I make you make that face?
So that’s my ode to you, Sheriff Carter.
IQ 111, you don’t need to be any smarter.
Thinking about you both thrills and excites…
Go ahead and read me my Miranda Rights!
Next time you’re sucked into an alternate reality,
be a peach and materialize right next to me!